Monday, November 14, 2011

Predisposed- My Sensitivity is now Thin as I hope my Real Me Stays, for I am Forced to do so

I am predisposed to fail. My parents were born poor and unsuccessful in marriage, finances and life... so shall I be.  
    This could be the most unaccepted words I could ever hear from anyone I talk to. 

   I look up to this grandma and my dad, cause I saw their generosity as long as I remember. (I could also mention my mom's  mother but she died long before I was born, but I heard of her too and her sister from US, from which their daughters, my mom and my aunt, respectively turned out to be as generous as they are also.)My dad was born of a simple farmer in the Philippines  and made something out of his life and worked abroad  and I see the blessings it produced towards our family and  cousins and is spread out even to the grand kids here in America and back home in the Philippines.

        I guess same circumstances different situations... I don't see any ending. As much as I turn my back, tilt my head the other way, tears trickling down my face, my heart in tacked and I had noticed I already am calloused  from all these. I am now forced to have no feelings, nor any emotions towards it. I guess if this is what you call mature then be it. Is this part of being Filipino? I have asked this to myself numerous times: If I was to be a little bit more fortunate than others, must I tend to everyone else who asked of me? How do I decipher the necessary and those who makes a leech out of our lives. I had nursed a fiancĂ©/boyfriend who almost suck the life of me when I was younger, all lessons learned. Does other think I should be made of steel or hard as a rock or better yet, MONEY? My husband called and told me just now, "we are working abroad and that is life and that is THAT. "
I suppose I just keep quite and sleep and let the course of life take it.

   Yes, we didn't choose our family, our parents, our statures, our parent's occupations and fortunes or misfortunes, situations, the place of birth, the place where we grew up, and current (or maybe for some they did choose their current state of being), our cultures, the people who surrounds us. A lot of misconception of people that are stuck in a rut is that we don't have  a choice but we do. We are given gifts, talents, opportunities, circumstances to choose to design whom would we be with and around us, where we should be, where we stand, what kind of life should we have. I believe that the Lord never ceases in giving us chances in life long as we shall live and long as we open our eyes and keep struggling, striving, improving to be better.
God never cease loving and blessing us.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

In between cultures

I came here to Germany to visit my cousin and family. My cousin, our friend, and I were at the PX American Base a while ago. I have this very judgemental perception over living here and working for the US military. I immersed my self watching strangers, americans and germans, Filipino, and other culture, passing me by as I sat on a bench(which I rarely do, since I'm the one shopping always but this time I was waiting for them!)...after so many going back and forth in this same mall for the forth time since I got to this country. I noticed that no matter what the current economy situation is, commercial/marketing is very universal. I see so much merchandise for sale whether it would be German decor, Japanese figurines, name branded clothing, shoes, hats, cosmetics and endless over-our-basic necessities stuff. And they make it sound such a good deal cause...yay!! TAX FREE!!!... I watched around some more, by this time I really didn't mind the wait anymore. Food court crowd was dwindling down and most of the associates at this point were cleaning so intently as if someone would come and inspect the place really and fire them if they only see a tiny irrelevant slightly dirty spot. I went to take a walk, around so to find my loves and they were nowhere to be found so I walked around some more and I see this painter as I see him every day now, in the middle of the mall workng with his paintings. He was sitting on his stool working on perfecting this puppy's nose that he was copying from what I speculated as somebody's photograph of their pet. He stood up, I tilted my head and smiled as I passed him. Almost to a stalking way, (I know it was soo not me) I sat on a dining table few yards away from his back and stared at him contemplating for minutes whether the little puppy's nose was perfectly highlighted already or not. He got up went for a break and I see my hubby waving at me, then they walked to a store some more. I, for some wierd reason was so compeled to go meet this older guy as he was walking to his post. I asked him if he spoke English and he said yes. And I told him that I've been walking around in this mall and I think he was the most passionate person I've seen. He isn't German as I guessed he is French and I said I thought cause he seemed so passionate and calm and I see a certain relaxed flow in him. I threw some of my ( of course not at all perfect) french phrases and was delighted and asked me if I was an artist and he asked further, so I said no, I work in a lab and I like observing and I would like to write. He asked me "if you would have to write about this meeting at this moment, what would you say?". I said that I'm in between cultures and that I see from the outside looking in and everything around me is in between, a soujorn! He said "I like that!" And I apologized I wanted to come back after our whole week of Italian/Spanish trip that maybe I'll see him again. I may believed him, he may just be pulling my feet but I learned a lot from this maybe insignifant chat... that some people are just here for a certain time, working, getting the most of it, hence the shopping spree that they may never find better deals somewhere else. Some as my cousin said earlier live here already for good. As I always wonder about the behaviour of some that I have met over the years of visiting PX Germany, some of them really don't have a lot of choices, that jobs are easier to be found here and that everyone has such great respect for their job that I see such dedication. If one just know how to hussle and be wise of their endeavor, they'll be in good shape...and that maybe I have gotten used of my relaxed environment (which is not necesarily always good) for it could turn to complacency and stagnance. And the shopping issue is kinda the same thing in the mainland that some just don't get immersed with the real passion in life we get so caught up with buying things we really don't need...and is used as a temporary sense of satisfaction, until we all learn simplicity. I've seen that dedication to the job from my husband over the years, but I guess I focused on the negative part until today. <3

Monday, January 31, 2011

Little pieces of us that makes us-us

Funny when I meet people who want to venture out to business or career, and they insist that using networking such as, or,  or,  or is useless and most millionaires and billionaires are not using any of those...well in fact the youngest billionaire started facebook and other millionaires started building and developing websites, whether it may be from   scratch or their own idea or someone else's and they just developed a heart in venturing out in such projects, clueless and irregardless if they were to make money or  make it a fortune for them and their generations to come... This may apply to real life. If you are willing to work on your marriage, family, friendship or any relationship, you have to try hard everyday to not only understand your tools to make your spouse /partner/girl friend/girl toy/boy friend/ boylet (jk) happy but make sure you continously show them in action as well, day in and day out for life...It may start in making everything possible to make yourself happy so extra baggages or issues called-"drama" are addressed therefore not adding to any situation you and your spouse, friends, family or any relationship you and I  generally are in. Of course it is necessary in making sure that we don't take each other for granted so there would be no reason for ridiculous blame game later on in life.We really can't expect for something to grow by itself unless we work hard and put our whole hearts and efforts to it and learn from mistakes of others and our own mistakes, right? So however we choose to act upon anything basically will result to something whether it be good or we really shouldn't be surprised if our situatuion is bad or good, think back...think ahead, anything we sow now, we rip it somehow in the future...even as little as being kind, trust me  it'll do us good, you will see. ~_~ I talk about these, thinking that everything in life starts small and culminates into little pieces of us that makes us-us.