Monday, November 14, 2011

Predisposed- My Sensitivity is now Thin as I hope my Real Me Stays, for I am Forced to do so

I am predisposed to fail. My parents were born poor and unsuccessful in marriage, finances and life... so shall I be.  
    This could be the most unaccepted words I could ever hear from anyone I talk to. 

   I look up to this grandma and my dad, cause I saw their generosity as long as I remember. (I could also mention my mom's  mother but she died long before I was born, but I heard of her too and her sister from US, from which their daughters, my mom and my aunt, respectively turned out to be as generous as they are also.)My dad was born of a simple farmer in the Philippines  and made something out of his life and worked abroad  and I see the blessings it produced towards our family and  cousins and is spread out even to the grand kids here in America and back home in the Philippines.

        I guess same circumstances different situations... I don't see any ending. As much as I turn my back, tilt my head the other way, tears trickling down my face, my heart in tacked and I had noticed I already am calloused  from all these. I am now forced to have no feelings, nor any emotions towards it. I guess if this is what you call mature then be it. Is this part of being Filipino? I have asked this to myself numerous times: If I was to be a little bit more fortunate than others, must I tend to everyone else who asked of me? How do I decipher the necessary and those who makes a leech out of our lives. I had nursed a fiancĂ©/boyfriend who almost suck the life of me when I was younger, all lessons learned. Does other think I should be made of steel or hard as a rock or better yet, MONEY? My husband called and told me just now, "we are working abroad and that is life and that is THAT. "
I suppose I just keep quite and sleep and let the course of life take it.

   Yes, we didn't choose our family, our parents, our statures, our parent's occupations and fortunes or misfortunes, situations, the place of birth, the place where we grew up, and current (or maybe for some they did choose their current state of being), our cultures, the people who surrounds us. A lot of misconception of people that are stuck in a rut is that we don't have  a choice but we do. We are given gifts, talents, opportunities, circumstances to choose to design whom would we be with and around us, where we should be, where we stand, what kind of life should we have. I believe that the Lord never ceases in giving us chances in life long as we shall live and long as we open our eyes and keep struggling, striving, improving to be better.
God never cease loving and blessing us.